The Answer is 42

So, this time last year I was in a bad place. Battling a mild case of depression and keeping sane by going to school and hanging out with friends as much as possible. 

A year later, I've realized how much I've learned about myself and grown in a sense. 

I've really learned to enjoy being alone. I had issues with it for so long because I didn't know how to be alone. I like being left alone to read, do art, and doing what I want when I want. 

I'm a quiet and reserved social butterfly. Oxymoron, I know. Once I get to know people better, I'll talk to them about all kinds of stuff. I help run social groups because it gives me something to do and I get to explore new things I may not have known about before. I get to meet new people and make new friends constantly. 

It is hard though with my social groups being different than my other social circles. They all don't know each other and sometimes it's hard to relate between the groups. I kind of wish all my friends knew each other in a way. Haha. 

Things are going fairly well right now. I'm hoping the next year will bring lots of new friends and some new and good opportunities for me. 

Love always,

Melissa

P.S. Kudos to anyone who gets the title of the blog. 

"The light in your soul is far greater than the darkness. Shine your light."

Why online dating is the worst...

Warning: There is a lewd point in this blog. You have been warned.

So, online dating. It's a thing, you know? I've been on and off online dating for almost 2 years now. I absolutely dislike it, but I still do it. It's like a weird addiction. 

Now don't get me wrong, I may dislike it, but I've actually met a few really good guy friends from dating sites. That aside, I've also met some losers. Some so desperate, they honestly shouldn't be on a dating site. I've used eharmony, match, plenty of fish, tinder, and okcupid (currently this is the only one I use). 

So, the first "date" I ever went on, we met at Courier Cafe. This guy seemed okay. He had gone to school for photography and so we had a love for photography in common. 

We meet. We sit down and start chatting about random subjects. He's so nervous that he just babbles and babbles about himself (how good he is at photography, he made it seem like he was the god of photography, which annoyed me) and about something else science related. I really don't remember much, I left the conversation at some point. I hardly do that to people, but this guy was hitting all the wrong buttons. It looked like I was paying attention, but I really wasn't. 

Finally the torture ends and we go to pay the bill. I knew that I'd pay for my own food since he didn't currently have a job. He had eaten fries and when he pulled money out to pay for them, he pulled out quarters, nickels, and dimes. At this point, I felt embarrassed by his nickel and diming and just paid for everything. When we got outside, we chatted for a moment and he said he was really comfortable around me and I knew that would happen because it happens a lot to me. He wanted to hug me, but I refused. I'd never been so happy to get in my car. 

I'm not going to bore you with all my bad dates. Let's change subject. Guys usually start off their chats with me by sending, "you're hot", "you are beautiful", etc. First of all, this is nice, guys. Don't get me wrong, but I need more context than that. I don't want you to be like every other guy who messages me, it bores me. It's not original. That might make me a bitch, but no one is perfect. 

Second, once I finally think it's okay for you to email me or even text me, you guys go and ruin it! How? I'll tell you how. Lewdness in 3...2..1.

The dick pic. Yes, I said it. What in the world makes you think I want to see your dick? I don't. Not yet anyway, if ever. I know what you're trying to do, so just go fuck yourself and leave me out. Thanks! 

Last point I feel like making is that when things seem to be going well, you just disappear with no explanation. I understand why you do it, I've asked my guy friends, but it irks me so much. I'm not afraid of you telling me you don't want to talk anymore. I'm not going to beg you to stay. Put on some fucking big girl panties and just tell the damn truth. 

That's all, folks. Happy Friday! 

~Melissa

P.S. I'm not saying you can't find someone online, there are people who have. I'm just having no luck. I'm better off meeting people in real life. I do go out and do stuff a lot more than I used to. Here's to hoping. :)

Meetup.com

So, yesterday I did something very out of the ordinary. I met up with a meetup group from meetup.com. 

I'd been on the site all summer, but none of the groups interested me enough to make me want to go see what any of it was about. This week, I got on my app and saw that a fairly new group had been made. It was a 20s-30s social group. Just a hang out, have fun, meet people my age thing. So, I decided it was time to try something new. I was nervous, but with a little encouragement from the organizer and another new member like myself, I took the plunge. 

When I parked across from the restaurant, I felt super nervous. So nervous, in fact, that my stomach was turning. If you know me, you know that meeting new people can be hard for me sometimes. Years ago in a land not so far away, I couldn't make myself talk to strangers. I've learned to not care as much anymore and can talk to strangers. 

I purposely got there early. I was the first person to meet the organizer and so after chatting a bit while we waited for others and our table, I felt a little bit easier by the time we sat down. It ended up being a really nice night out after the torrential downpour before dinner. Food, drinks, conversation. I think I've met a really cool group of people. 

Love Always,

Melissa

Music Heals

So many times I've turned to music to help me through something. Anger, sadness, happiness, etc. 

I love music. I listen to just about anything under the sun. Certain songs remind me of certain memories. It just helps.

Sometimes when a familiar song comes on you can see my mood change or that I've "gone" somewhere else into a memory that is forever engrained in my mind. 

A lot of people have different ways of healing. Mine is music. What's yours? What helps you get through the day? 

Love Always, 

Melissa

Epiphany

So, 21 months I've been divorced. The thing I've had the most problem with since has been, being alone. 

I know that I have friends and family. I love them dearly. So, don't think that I don't know know you guys are here for me. 

I've battled some demons in the last year. I thought I was fine. First, I was sad. Then, angry and then I tried dating again. I've met some cool friends from it, but I also met rejection. 

Sometimes causing me to go into a depressive state for a week or two. I had my friends to snap me out of it. For a while I was okay. Then, one of my best friends moved and for some reason I couldn't cope. The winter was terrible as well and so I sunk into another depression. This one lasted for a couple months this time. 

Either people didn't notice or they chose to ignore it. I couldn't stand being alone and so I talked to whoever and ignored their red flags that I normally look out for. Until friends talked sense into me again. 

I don't talk to the red flaggers anymore. 

I've discovered this weekend that I'm truly okay. I can be alone. I went to the Farmer's Market on Saturday and I also spent Sunday afternoon reading. 21 months. It took that long to realize that being alone is okay and that I'll be okay.  

Love Always,

Melissa

San Francisco: Part 2

April 12, 2014:
I woke around 7am the next morning, meaning I had only slept for 4 or 5 hours. Even in a different time zone, my mind knew what time it was. I laid completely still and tried to go back to sleep because A.S. doesn't like getting up early on the weekends unless he has to and if you know anything about SF apartments, you know the walls are paper thin. I have proof of this because I know when his neighbor upstairs is urinating. I managed to go back to sleep for a couple more hours, but I'm pretty sure I woke myself up with my own snoring. Oops....

Eventually (around 10am or so), I hear A.S. get up and move about the apartment. I then get up as well. Today we are going to the Japanese Cherry Blossom Festival in Japantown. This is the reason I came on this mini vacation/weekend trip. We get ready and then head to Japantown. It's not that far, 12 blocks, I think. Walking the city is great, once you get used to the uphill battles you will face. Haha...of course, if you know someone who knows the city, then they will sometimes try to find the downhill streets if they can for you. So, after we get there, I just kind of stand there and soak the city in and the people gathering for the festival. I eventually decide to get some yakisoba for lunch at one of the food stands. I meet a lovely shiba inu named Saiya while in line.

After I eat, we decide to walk around. I peruse all the vendors and eventually find some stuff I want to buy for K.F. and A.W. I look in the festival book and decide we should go look at the Ikebana exhibition. These are just a couple of my favorites. These are done by different schools of Ikebana. Each school has it's own style. We also came back later for an ikebana demonstration in the auditorium.

After the ikebana exhibition, we go see a washi ningo exhibition (Japanese paper doll art).

After that, we go to the next room and they are doing shishu (traditional Japanese embroidery). I even get the courage to ask one of the embroiderers a question. I'm usually very quiet and like to observe people doing their art.

 There are actually ten different levels of shishu. It was the question I asked him. He is on level 9. He said once he is done with the piece in the photo that he is working on, that it will be the work that gets him to level 10/master status. I wish I could see the finished piece because I knew it would look better than the photo beside him. After that, we went to the origami display.

Then, we watched a tea ceremony. Usually tea ceremonies last for hours, but they do a shortened version for the festival. A.S. thought it would be good for me to get to participate in an actual tea ceremony, so we went down the block to another place that let you be a part of the ceremony and learn what you were supposed to do during the ceremony. It was really interesting and fun. I felt silly though because I kept feeling like I was doing something wrong and disgracing the Japanese culture. It was my first "tea ceremony", give me a break. Hahaha...After that, we went to the Peace Plaza stage and watched some of the performances. Taiko drummers, a dojo doing some sword demonstrations, and KANA.

After all the fun and interesting festival activities, we had to walk home and get ready for dinner with my cousin, aunt, and a bunch of other people for M.T. (my cousin) and A.M.'s birthday. We had reservations at Palamino and the view was great.

After dinner, we (9 of us) got a limo and went to a club called Slide after we found out that the club (Ruby Skye) my cousin wanted to go to was a $30 cover. The bouncer at Slide let us in for free, even though cover was normally $10. Slide has a slide in it and that's why it's called that. We drank, we danced, and had a fun time. I drank a bit much because somehow my cousin always coerces me into drinking hard liquor (I normally drink beer) and poor A.S. had to coddle me a bit until we got back home and I could lay down on "my couch". I even complained about the water tasting like tequila when I wanted to drink some before bed. The next morning, I woke up with cotton mouth, but was overall fine. I had to be at the airport around noon, so eventually A.S. went to go get the zipcar and he took me to the airport, hugged me goodbye and I did all the airport stuff and got on my plane and went home.

I'm always sad when I leave San Francisco. I love that place like its my second home.

San Francisco: Part 1

So, I meant to blog about my mini trip to San Francisco this year, but never made the time to, plus I had a ton of stuff to do for my photography class once I got back.

I'll post a recap of everything in this blog. Along with some photos for your viewing pleasure.

3AM, April 11th, 2014:
I woke up this early because I had to drive myself to O'hare that morning. I had showered and dropped my dog off at my mother's the previous night, so I threw on some make up, checked my carry on again and got in the car for the 2 1/2 hour drive (Google maps says it's just a little over 2 hours, but I accounted for Friday morning traffic and having to stop at tolls).

I arrived at the airport at 6:20am and parked in the E-lot. Got on the tram and rode that to terminal 3. Once there, I found the Virgin America counters and used the self check in computers. When it printed the boarding pass, I had to ask them if that was it because it looked so different from boarding passes I'm used to getting.

 
After confirming I was okay to go through security, I found the shortest security line and played around on my phone while I waited. Security was a breeze luckily and I got to the gate and waited for boarding. Once on the flight, I did do an in flight blog, which I posted before this one. 

When I arrived in San Francisco, I texted A.S. to tell him I had landed. He thought I had brought my big luggage and told me to text him when I got my luggage, he was parked in the cell phone lot with the car he rented for the day. I told him I had only brought my carry on and so he immediately apologized for not being at the arrival terminal and told me he'd be right there.

Once he got there, he got out, greeted me and took my carry on and put it in the back seat of the Audi rental car. After getting on the freeway to go into the city, we chatted a little and he asked if we should go home to drop my things off before going to explore and have lunch. I agreed, as I didn't really want my stuff in the car all afternoon.

He decided that we would explore the Mission District that afternoon and so we found a parking spot and walked over to Delores Park first.

After hanging out in the park for a while, we decided to walk the streets and went into various shops. I had mentioned that I had a headache, so A.S. suggested getting some caffeine. We went to Ritual Coffee Roasters and got some caffeine in our systems. :) After that, we stopped in shops and A.S. bought a CD of some local band. We also stopped in Dog Eared Books and browsed the shelves. A.S. found a book he wanted and bought it. Immediately turning around and handing it to me as a gift and explaining that he liked to find the particular author and give away the books.

Since he noticed that I was really interested in the graffiti and murals in this particular district, we ended up walking down an alley that had murals down both sides. This resulted in us jaywalking in front of the Mission District police station, where I stated that if I got in trouble, he was to take all the blame.

Eventually, we went back to the car, as we were only allowed to park for 2 hours, and went to go find lunch. We ended up at Samovar Tea Lounge on Page St.

After lunch, we decided to go over by the bay. Here I took a really great photo of the bay bridge (which I will not post here) and one of A.S. with the bridge.

Afterwards, we had planned to go to Crissy Field, but ended up at Marina Green. I took some photos there and then, we went home to grab a bottle of sake to take with us before our dinner reservation at Ino Sushi.
The sushi was some of the best sushi I've ever had. We had the omakase, which translates to "I'll leave it to you". It's where the sushi chef makes you what he wants and you usually get to try a few things that are not on the menu. We got to try some that we had never tried before and it was all very tasty. One of my favorites was the Monk fish liver (ankimo nigiri) and the weirdest was the last piece, which I believe was Anago. I only say it was weird because I'd never had sushi like that. Everything was delicious and Yelp reviews are a hit and miss with this little sushi bar because I think some people just feel intimidated by Ino-San (the sushi chef and owner). When you don't understand a culture, it's hard to understand their mannerisms.

After dinner, we went to Land's End because I had wanted to get sunset photos, but it didn't turn out how I wanted because mother nature was not playing along with me. So, after taking a few shots, we headed back home and a couple of A.S.'s friends came by and we played some table top games (which I really didn't want to play, but they made me because and I quote, "you're here") and then after A.S., J.T. and I went to a bar for a beer. When A.S. and I got home, we watched the "Jiro: Dreams of Sushi" documentary, but because I had been up for pretty much 24 hours by this time, I fell asleep on my make shift bed aka the couch and so, A.S. quietly shut it off and told me it was time for sleep.

End day 1. 

We Are Human

I've been mentally tired and messed up for the last couple of months. I hadn't realized it until quite recently and having it shoved in your face by a loved one is heart wrenching, but usually necessary. 

I began turning off social media to get away from everyone. I didn't want to see their happy posts or their angry posts or their sad posts. I need to deal with my own shit and not know your bullshit, too. I also had a tendency to post my bad shit and decided to take a break for a while. 

I have to deal with me first. I want to be there for you guys, I really do, but I can't. Not right now. 

Love Always,

Melissa

In-Flight Blogging

Note: written on the plane on Friday, April 11th, 2014.

With 1,706 miles to go I'm bored and didn't bring my kindle. A little over
33,989 ft with the outside temperature being -73 degrees Fahrenheit, 4 hour flight. 

I decided to start typing a blog while on the flight. Why not? It'll kill time. 

So, I wish this trip was going to be longer, but it's not. Regardless, I always have a good time visiting my second home aka Cali. I went last year for a week and now this year for a few days. Next year I'll probably go for at least 5 days or so since my cousin is getting married and I'm in the wedding. I can't wait for that! :-D

I didn't end up eating breakfast, so I'm considering buying an in-flight meal or snack. I'm kind of hungry and I don't know if A.S. is going to find us lunch or not once I'm off the plane. I know dinner is at 5:30 at an undisclosed location at this point because I told him not to tell me where we were going. Just for fun. Obviously, I'll post where later. 

Ooo, I think the person 2 seats up and to the right of the aisle is watching "Saving Mr. Banks". Although, I can't hear the sound, I think I'll sneakily watch it with them. Lol! You guys know I'm crazy. 

So, I decided on an in-flight meal. I'm starving! Also, these flight attendants are quite amusing. 

Well, that was actually quite tasty. Obviously, the price was a bit much, but hummus, veggies, grapes, half a hard boiled egg, 3 pieces (one each) of muenster, smoked Gouda, and cheddar, mini wheat pita bread, and a couple slices of grilled chicken will tide me over for now.

I'm so bored, I'm tracking the flight as we go. We're currently somewhere over Nebraska.

Also, the safety video that they play at the beginning of the flight is entertaining. You can also charge your device in-flight as long as you have your wall charger. So, right now Virgin America hasn't disappointed me yet. 

Good, bad, and In Between

I was talking about divorce on my Facebook the other day. I've noticed a lot of people post that they're separating and going through a divorce. 

First, I know how you feel. I've been divorced for a little over a year. I was married for 4 years and luckily we never had children. I don't regret being married because regret is useless. You can't change anything, so don't dwell on it. 

Second, when I thought about divorce. It reminded me of my parent's divorce and why it happened. Most of you don't know much about this because I've never told you. 

My parents divorced when I was in elementary school. Perhaps around 3rd or 4th grade or even in between that time. I'm not sure exactly. If any of you reading this went to elementary school with me then you may remember that when I was in 3rd grade, I wore a stocking hat most of the year to cover my bald head. Perhaps you thought I was sick with something. I doubt I ever explained it. The bald head? I went to the doctor because my hair had been falling out. The doctor said it was because of stress. My dad's solution? Shave my head! 

It was his fault that my hair was falling out! How could he do that to a little girl?! Do you know how embarrassed I was at school with no hair? Did you know that kids made fun of me?! 

Now you're wondering, why did your dad stress you out enough to cause hair loss? Physical abuse and mental abuse. Have you ever been thrown on the floor and stepped on? Had your leg pinched so hard it left a huge bruise? Slapped in the face when you didn't do a thing? (These are just things I remember, I'm not sure if there was anything else) Living in fear of someone is not the way to live.

My mother finally got the courage and divorced my dad and I love her so much and thank her for doing that for her and for us (Joseph and I). 

I don't even consider that man my father, even though he has asked for my forgiveness. I refuse. Although, I do have a couple of half sisters that I am friends with and hope to get to know better in the future. 

This post was definitely a little of the good, the bad, and the in between.

Love always,

Melissa

The Road Less Traveled

First, I'm sorry I haven't blogged in a while. I was purposely keeping myself busy. Now that things have slowed down, I have a little time to write.

Today's blog title, "The Road Less Traveled" is about how you live your life. There are so many instances, especially in the last few months I could have taken the "easy road". 

The 3 things I'm going to talk about in this post are love, friendship, and life decisions. 

One: Love

As most of you know, I divorced over a year ago. It was completely mutual and very civil. I've been on the single and dating market for a little while now. I'm currently still single, but in a somewhat relationship, but not in a relationship at all. Most of you would probably think it's weird for me to do that and why would I do that? 

The answer: I see things through and I think I should see this through to the end or to the beginning regardless of what it is. I know I could have actually been in a relationship with a few of the guys I went on dates with in the last year, but I think I'd honestly be miserable because I'd be lying to myself and them. 

Aren't you afraid you're going to get hurt?

Answer: Of course, who isn't afraid of such a thing. You'll never have an adventure if you're afraid of everything. 

Two: Friendship

My very best friends live far away from me. Even the closest one lives an hour away. The others all in different states. I see it as a test of my willingness to keep in touch and for them to keep in touch. Yes, I am lonely a lot now because they all live away from me. 

Don't ever let the people you care about go a day without them knowing how you feel. 

Third: Life Decisions

Yes, life sucks sometimes and sometimes you, yourself can "suck at life". We all have these moments. You just have to shake it off and try not to suck so much. LOL...

Honestly though, perhaps I thought I'd be somewhere else in life right now. I thought maybe I'd have my bachelors, a husband, 1 or 2 kids, pets, a house. HAHAHA....no....my decisions have altered that silly dream. 

I'm still in school, but determined to get a bachelors. I work full time. I live alone in an apartment. I have a dog. I'm divorced and single. I don't have children, although I think 80% of my Facebook friends do. I might never have children and that's okay. It's not something I have to do, but I wouldn't mind it. I love to travel and maybe I'll do that instead. Who knows....you really don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, so live! Live without regret and maybe take a few side roads on the way. ;-)

Love Always, 

Melissa

Winter is...

This winter seems to be sucking the life out of me. I can't stand it anymore. I want to scream. 

It makes me feel like kicking, screaming, and crying like a child throwing a tantrum. 

I'm so sensitive to the weather that it just makes me feel depressed. 

"Oh, you'll be okay." "It's not that bad." "Everything will be alright."

Yes, I know it'll be okay, but if you are not as sensitive (mentally, not physically) to the weather as me, then you don't understand. 

Love Always,

Melissa 

My journey back from the 9 circles of Hell

Well, the title indicates something worse than it is, but I like Dante's Inferno and so I felt the urge to reference it.

Anyway, this week was completely annoying at work because of my supervisor being out at the biggest trade show our industry has. It leaves me in charge and also the only person who can answer the phones, emails, pull orders, and ship them for our department. I did get a bit of help from coworkers because they are awesome and tried as hard as they could to help with what they could, but still. LOL...okay, done ranting about that.

On Thursday night, I noticed that my financial aid was no longer in my account and that I still owed the school "x" amount of dollars. I emailed them immediately and this is the reply I received the next day.

"Your loan was recently canceled.  At the end of the fall term you reached the maximum amount of time to receive financial aid.
You have 98 credit hours attempted at a two-year college. That is about three years of education.  You can appeal this, but we just had the last appeal for the semester.  You are able to receive aid at a four-year college"

 So, the government cut me off because I had too many credit hours at a 2-year college. I get it, but I still think it's a stupid rule.

Oh and on Friday, I was looking forward to going out of town, but then the person I was going to visit told me I couldn't this weekend because of their work. :-( I was thoroughly disappointed, but completely understood. I had a hectic week and had just wanted to get out of here for a day or two.

On a good note, I had already made an appointment that Friday before ever seeing the email to talk to an adviser in the Adult Re-Entry center and was going to transfer out anyway. After talking to the adviser, we came up with about 4 degrees for me to think about. The first one, requires too much math and I've never been very good with math ever (I know, I'm Asian, what's wrong with me? LOL). The second one (same degree, different university), was not as much math, but I just didn't think it was a good fit. The third, I described to a couple of my friends and one of them laughed and said it sounded like, "you hand us money and we'll hand you a piece of paper". This person is very smart and so I trust their judgement. Another one just said it didn't sound like a good degree at all. The fourth degree actually sounds very plausible and can be done all online (online and out-of-state). Plus, my friend is doing a degree pretty much just like it (on campus and in-state) and was excited for me to be doing it, too.

This week will be getting things processed and the ball rolling on this.  I'll update on exactly what everything is when I know for sure.

Love Always,
Melissa

P.S. I'm also taking a class right now that I can't pay for. This week will determine whether or not I drop it. I have to find the money first. 

Snowpocalypse

I've stayed in all day today as a result of the winter storm that everyone has been raving about. Yesterday the stores were busy as hell and today/last night many of the produce shelves were very bare. A couple friends on Facebook posted photos. Since I live alone, I didn't need much and so I just got some frozen stuff and a little bit of fruit and stuff.

I'm currently bored out of my mind and don't want to read a book or do at home things. I want human interaction, but I don't know anyone in my complex and so that's a bust. I could chat with people on Facebook or Skype, but apparently no one wants to Skype. Why do I always have to suggest these things? I hate being the one always doing the asking. It's annoying as hell to realize that people care more about themselves than other people. I care about people so much sometimes it hurts because I don't feel that they care as much as I do.

My personality causes me to care for people extremely too much, embrace them for who they are, and trust them even when they leave me no reason to trust them anymore. I know how evil the world is, but I still try to see the light in everyone. Haha, that was kind of Buddhist of me.

All I want this year is to be happier than I was last year. Perhaps this year I'll find someone to kiss my forehead, snuggle me, and love me for who I am. I'll succeed in school (even if it is only 2 classes a semester). I want to travel a little more, even if it's just to surrounding states for a day or two OR even in state. I don't want to feel like I'm alone anymore. I know you don't need someone to be with you to not feel alone (someone can be with you and you feel completely and utterly alone). I know all too well. I'm turning 30 this year, I want my life to be different, I want some of you to go on that journey with me. Will you?

Love Always,

Melissa