The Answer is 42

So, this time last year I was in a bad place. Battling a mild case of depression and keeping sane by going to school and hanging out with friends as much as possible. 

A year later, I've realized how much I've learned about myself and grown in a sense. 

I've really learned to enjoy being alone. I had issues with it for so long because I didn't know how to be alone. I like being left alone to read, do art, and doing what I want when I want. 

I'm a quiet and reserved social butterfly. Oxymoron, I know. Once I get to know people better, I'll talk to them about all kinds of stuff. I help run social groups because it gives me something to do and I get to explore new things I may not have known about before. I get to meet new people and make new friends constantly. 

It is hard though with my social groups being different than my other social circles. They all don't know each other and sometimes it's hard to relate between the groups. I kind of wish all my friends knew each other in a way. Haha. 

Things are going fairly well right now. I'm hoping the next year will bring lots of new friends and some new and good opportunities for me. 

Love always,

Melissa

P.S. Kudos to anyone who gets the title of the blog. 

"The light in your soul is far greater than the darkness. Shine your light."

Epiphany

So, 21 months I've been divorced. The thing I've had the most problem with since has been, being alone. 

I know that I have friends and family. I love them dearly. So, don't think that I don't know know you guys are here for me. 

I've battled some demons in the last year. I thought I was fine. First, I was sad. Then, angry and then I tried dating again. I've met some cool friends from it, but I also met rejection. 

Sometimes causing me to go into a depressive state for a week or two. I had my friends to snap me out of it. For a while I was okay. Then, one of my best friends moved and for some reason I couldn't cope. The winter was terrible as well and so I sunk into another depression. This one lasted for a couple months this time. 

Either people didn't notice or they chose to ignore it. I couldn't stand being alone and so I talked to whoever and ignored their red flags that I normally look out for. Until friends talked sense into me again. 

I don't talk to the red flaggers anymore. 

I've discovered this weekend that I'm truly okay. I can be alone. I went to the Farmer's Market on Saturday and I also spent Sunday afternoon reading. 21 months. It took that long to realize that being alone is okay and that I'll be okay.  

Love Always,

Melissa

San Francisco: Part 2

April 12, 2014:
I woke around 7am the next morning, meaning I had only slept for 4 or 5 hours. Even in a different time zone, my mind knew what time it was. I laid completely still and tried to go back to sleep because A.S. doesn't like getting up early on the weekends unless he has to and if you know anything about SF apartments, you know the walls are paper thin. I have proof of this because I know when his neighbor upstairs is urinating. I managed to go back to sleep for a couple more hours, but I'm pretty sure I woke myself up with my own snoring. Oops....

Eventually (around 10am or so), I hear A.S. get up and move about the apartment. I then get up as well. Today we are going to the Japanese Cherry Blossom Festival in Japantown. This is the reason I came on this mini vacation/weekend trip. We get ready and then head to Japantown. It's not that far, 12 blocks, I think. Walking the city is great, once you get used to the uphill battles you will face. Haha...of course, if you know someone who knows the city, then they will sometimes try to find the downhill streets if they can for you. So, after we get there, I just kind of stand there and soak the city in and the people gathering for the festival. I eventually decide to get some yakisoba for lunch at one of the food stands. I meet a lovely shiba inu named Saiya while in line.

After I eat, we decide to walk around. I peruse all the vendors and eventually find some stuff I want to buy for K.F. and A.W. I look in the festival book and decide we should go look at the Ikebana exhibition. These are just a couple of my favorites. These are done by different schools of Ikebana. Each school has it's own style. We also came back later for an ikebana demonstration in the auditorium.

After the ikebana exhibition, we go see a washi ningo exhibition (Japanese paper doll art).

After that, we go to the next room and they are doing shishu (traditional Japanese embroidery). I even get the courage to ask one of the embroiderers a question. I'm usually very quiet and like to observe people doing their art.

 There are actually ten different levels of shishu. It was the question I asked him. He is on level 9. He said once he is done with the piece in the photo that he is working on, that it will be the work that gets him to level 10/master status. I wish I could see the finished piece because I knew it would look better than the photo beside him. After that, we went to the origami display.

Then, we watched a tea ceremony. Usually tea ceremonies last for hours, but they do a shortened version for the festival. A.S. thought it would be good for me to get to participate in an actual tea ceremony, so we went down the block to another place that let you be a part of the ceremony and learn what you were supposed to do during the ceremony. It was really interesting and fun. I felt silly though because I kept feeling like I was doing something wrong and disgracing the Japanese culture. It was my first "tea ceremony", give me a break. Hahaha...After that, we went to the Peace Plaza stage and watched some of the performances. Taiko drummers, a dojo doing some sword demonstrations, and KANA.

After all the fun and interesting festival activities, we had to walk home and get ready for dinner with my cousin, aunt, and a bunch of other people for M.T. (my cousin) and A.M.'s birthday. We had reservations at Palamino and the view was great.

After dinner, we (9 of us) got a limo and went to a club called Slide after we found out that the club (Ruby Skye) my cousin wanted to go to was a $30 cover. The bouncer at Slide let us in for free, even though cover was normally $10. Slide has a slide in it and that's why it's called that. We drank, we danced, and had a fun time. I drank a bit much because somehow my cousin always coerces me into drinking hard liquor (I normally drink beer) and poor A.S. had to coddle me a bit until we got back home and I could lay down on "my couch". I even complained about the water tasting like tequila when I wanted to drink some before bed. The next morning, I woke up with cotton mouth, but was overall fine. I had to be at the airport around noon, so eventually A.S. went to go get the zipcar and he took me to the airport, hugged me goodbye and I did all the airport stuff and got on my plane and went home.

I'm always sad when I leave San Francisco. I love that place like its my second home.

San Francisco: Part 1

So, I meant to blog about my mini trip to San Francisco this year, but never made the time to, plus I had a ton of stuff to do for my photography class once I got back.

I'll post a recap of everything in this blog. Along with some photos for your viewing pleasure.

3AM, April 11th, 2014:
I woke up this early because I had to drive myself to O'hare that morning. I had showered and dropped my dog off at my mother's the previous night, so I threw on some make up, checked my carry on again and got in the car for the 2 1/2 hour drive (Google maps says it's just a little over 2 hours, but I accounted for Friday morning traffic and having to stop at tolls).

I arrived at the airport at 6:20am and parked in the E-lot. Got on the tram and rode that to terminal 3. Once there, I found the Virgin America counters and used the self check in computers. When it printed the boarding pass, I had to ask them if that was it because it looked so different from boarding passes I'm used to getting.

 
After confirming I was okay to go through security, I found the shortest security line and played around on my phone while I waited. Security was a breeze luckily and I got to the gate and waited for boarding. Once on the flight, I did do an in flight blog, which I posted before this one. 

When I arrived in San Francisco, I texted A.S. to tell him I had landed. He thought I had brought my big luggage and told me to text him when I got my luggage, he was parked in the cell phone lot with the car he rented for the day. I told him I had only brought my carry on and so he immediately apologized for not being at the arrival terminal and told me he'd be right there.

Once he got there, he got out, greeted me and took my carry on and put it in the back seat of the Audi rental car. After getting on the freeway to go into the city, we chatted a little and he asked if we should go home to drop my things off before going to explore and have lunch. I agreed, as I didn't really want my stuff in the car all afternoon.

He decided that we would explore the Mission District that afternoon and so we found a parking spot and walked over to Delores Park first.

After hanging out in the park for a while, we decided to walk the streets and went into various shops. I had mentioned that I had a headache, so A.S. suggested getting some caffeine. We went to Ritual Coffee Roasters and got some caffeine in our systems. :) After that, we stopped in shops and A.S. bought a CD of some local band. We also stopped in Dog Eared Books and browsed the shelves. A.S. found a book he wanted and bought it. Immediately turning around and handing it to me as a gift and explaining that he liked to find the particular author and give away the books.

Since he noticed that I was really interested in the graffiti and murals in this particular district, we ended up walking down an alley that had murals down both sides. This resulted in us jaywalking in front of the Mission District police station, where I stated that if I got in trouble, he was to take all the blame.

Eventually, we went back to the car, as we were only allowed to park for 2 hours, and went to go find lunch. We ended up at Samovar Tea Lounge on Page St.

After lunch, we decided to go over by the bay. Here I took a really great photo of the bay bridge (which I will not post here) and one of A.S. with the bridge.

Afterwards, we had planned to go to Crissy Field, but ended up at Marina Green. I took some photos there and then, we went home to grab a bottle of sake to take with us before our dinner reservation at Ino Sushi.
The sushi was some of the best sushi I've ever had. We had the omakase, which translates to "I'll leave it to you". It's where the sushi chef makes you what he wants and you usually get to try a few things that are not on the menu. We got to try some that we had never tried before and it was all very tasty. One of my favorites was the Monk fish liver (ankimo nigiri) and the weirdest was the last piece, which I believe was Anago. I only say it was weird because I'd never had sushi like that. Everything was delicious and Yelp reviews are a hit and miss with this little sushi bar because I think some people just feel intimidated by Ino-San (the sushi chef and owner). When you don't understand a culture, it's hard to understand their mannerisms.

After dinner, we went to Land's End because I had wanted to get sunset photos, but it didn't turn out how I wanted because mother nature was not playing along with me. So, after taking a few shots, we headed back home and a couple of A.S.'s friends came by and we played some table top games (which I really didn't want to play, but they made me because and I quote, "you're here") and then after A.S., J.T. and I went to a bar for a beer. When A.S. and I got home, we watched the "Jiro: Dreams of Sushi" documentary, but because I had been up for pretty much 24 hours by this time, I fell asleep on my make shift bed aka the couch and so, A.S. quietly shut it off and told me it was time for sleep.

End day 1. 

The Road Less Traveled

First, I'm sorry I haven't blogged in a while. I was purposely keeping myself busy. Now that things have slowed down, I have a little time to write.

Today's blog title, "The Road Less Traveled" is about how you live your life. There are so many instances, especially in the last few months I could have taken the "easy road". 

The 3 things I'm going to talk about in this post are love, friendship, and life decisions. 

One: Love

As most of you know, I divorced over a year ago. It was completely mutual and very civil. I've been on the single and dating market for a little while now. I'm currently still single, but in a somewhat relationship, but not in a relationship at all. Most of you would probably think it's weird for me to do that and why would I do that? 

The answer: I see things through and I think I should see this through to the end or to the beginning regardless of what it is. I know I could have actually been in a relationship with a few of the guys I went on dates with in the last year, but I think I'd honestly be miserable because I'd be lying to myself and them. 

Aren't you afraid you're going to get hurt?

Answer: Of course, who isn't afraid of such a thing. You'll never have an adventure if you're afraid of everything. 

Two: Friendship

My very best friends live far away from me. Even the closest one lives an hour away. The others all in different states. I see it as a test of my willingness to keep in touch and for them to keep in touch. Yes, I am lonely a lot now because they all live away from me. 

Don't ever let the people you care about go a day without them knowing how you feel. 

Third: Life Decisions

Yes, life sucks sometimes and sometimes you, yourself can "suck at life". We all have these moments. You just have to shake it off and try not to suck so much. LOL...

Honestly though, perhaps I thought I'd be somewhere else in life right now. I thought maybe I'd have my bachelors, a husband, 1 or 2 kids, pets, a house. HAHAHA....no....my decisions have altered that silly dream. 

I'm still in school, but determined to get a bachelors. I work full time. I live alone in an apartment. I have a dog. I'm divorced and single. I don't have children, although I think 80% of my Facebook friends do. I might never have children and that's okay. It's not something I have to do, but I wouldn't mind it. I love to travel and maybe I'll do that instead. Who knows....you really don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, so live! Live without regret and maybe take a few side roads on the way. ;-)

Love Always, 

Melissa

My journey back from the 9 circles of Hell

Well, the title indicates something worse than it is, but I like Dante's Inferno and so I felt the urge to reference it.

Anyway, this week was completely annoying at work because of my supervisor being out at the biggest trade show our industry has. It leaves me in charge and also the only person who can answer the phones, emails, pull orders, and ship them for our department. I did get a bit of help from coworkers because they are awesome and tried as hard as they could to help with what they could, but still. LOL...okay, done ranting about that.

On Thursday night, I noticed that my financial aid was no longer in my account and that I still owed the school "x" amount of dollars. I emailed them immediately and this is the reply I received the next day.

"Your loan was recently canceled.  At the end of the fall term you reached the maximum amount of time to receive financial aid.
You have 98 credit hours attempted at a two-year college. That is about three years of education.  You can appeal this, but we just had the last appeal for the semester.  You are able to receive aid at a four-year college"

 So, the government cut me off because I had too many credit hours at a 2-year college. I get it, but I still think it's a stupid rule.

Oh and on Friday, I was looking forward to going out of town, but then the person I was going to visit told me I couldn't this weekend because of their work. :-( I was thoroughly disappointed, but completely understood. I had a hectic week and had just wanted to get out of here for a day or two.

On a good note, I had already made an appointment that Friday before ever seeing the email to talk to an adviser in the Adult Re-Entry center and was going to transfer out anyway. After talking to the adviser, we came up with about 4 degrees for me to think about. The first one, requires too much math and I've never been very good with math ever (I know, I'm Asian, what's wrong with me? LOL). The second one (same degree, different university), was not as much math, but I just didn't think it was a good fit. The third, I described to a couple of my friends and one of them laughed and said it sounded like, "you hand us money and we'll hand you a piece of paper". This person is very smart and so I trust their judgement. Another one just said it didn't sound like a good degree at all. The fourth degree actually sounds very plausible and can be done all online (online and out-of-state). Plus, my friend is doing a degree pretty much just like it (on campus and in-state) and was excited for me to be doing it, too.

This week will be getting things processed and the ball rolling on this.  I'll update on exactly what everything is when I know for sure.

Love Always,
Melissa

P.S. I'm also taking a class right now that I can't pay for. This week will determine whether or not I drop it. I have to find the money first. 

Snowpocalypse

I've stayed in all day today as a result of the winter storm that everyone has been raving about. Yesterday the stores were busy as hell and today/last night many of the produce shelves were very bare. A couple friends on Facebook posted photos. Since I live alone, I didn't need much and so I just got some frozen stuff and a little bit of fruit and stuff.

I'm currently bored out of my mind and don't want to read a book or do at home things. I want human interaction, but I don't know anyone in my complex and so that's a bust. I could chat with people on Facebook or Skype, but apparently no one wants to Skype. Why do I always have to suggest these things? I hate being the one always doing the asking. It's annoying as hell to realize that people care more about themselves than other people. I care about people so much sometimes it hurts because I don't feel that they care as much as I do.

My personality causes me to care for people extremely too much, embrace them for who they are, and trust them even when they leave me no reason to trust them anymore. I know how evil the world is, but I still try to see the light in everyone. Haha, that was kind of Buddhist of me.

All I want this year is to be happier than I was last year. Perhaps this year I'll find someone to kiss my forehead, snuggle me, and love me for who I am. I'll succeed in school (even if it is only 2 classes a semester). I want to travel a little more, even if it's just to surrounding states for a day or two OR even in state. I don't want to feel like I'm alone anymore. I know you don't need someone to be with you to not feel alone (someone can be with you and you feel completely and utterly alone). I know all too well. I'm turning 30 this year, I want my life to be different, I want some of you to go on that journey with me. Will you?

Love Always,

Melissa

Second Chance

So, I was chatting with an old friend earlier and he said this to me and it stuck. 

"Pick your fights how you can, whatever you can't control, embrace that shit."

Thanks, TS. I'll keep that in mind the next time I have a situation that I want to control, but can't. I can get pretty wound up when I can't control something. Not much else to say today, loves.

Love Always,

Melissa

Bring me to life

"For now it's really up in the air and the pieces haven't found their place yet." ~Melissa A. Voss

Tonight, We are young...

Alright, so I decided to watch my first Christmas movie today. Lol...it was a late nineties one with JTT, even had a N'SYNC Christmas song in the credits. I don't know if I watched it because it snowed today, but it was cheesy, cute, and ridiculous.

Although, I am not decorating for Christmas because no one is coming over anyway. I'm also not really buying presents. I don't really care about presents (although, they are nice), but I like being able to be with family and friends instead.

I had a close friend suggest something interesting to me last night. I can't write it here right now because this blog is not private and could be read by anyone. It would be something different, a little life altering and perhaps a little scary at first, but it could be something really good for me. It seems I need to get things in order and see if I can do this.

Other than that, I am trudging along as best I can.

Whether or not this decision will better my life is yet to be answered. 

Love Always,

Melissa

I love you, I hate you

So, yesterday was nice. I had a good evening hanging out with my best friend and brother for his birthday.

I got rudely woken up at 4am by someone calling me twice from a Georgia number. I had talked to this person a couple days ago and told them I didn't know them. The reason they keep getting text messages from my phone is because I have a friend who has been sending group texts and this other person I think is confused (I don't think they understand group texting). So, they keep trying to figure out why I'm texting them. I'm not, I'm texting everyone in the group text...come on people, learn about what technology you have. Lmfao! So, I didn't answer for fear I would curse an innocent person out. 

Also, I noticed this morning that I've been snuggling my pillows. Forever alone... :( heh...

It's supposed to snow this weekend. Oh boy! Brrrrr.....

I really really really wanna...

Hahaha...the title of this blog.

Anyway, I was just thinking that I really want to go to the City Museum in St. Louis with ADW and HKF before the new year and also stop by Gelateria Tavolini while we're there since it's around the corner. I also want to go to Chicago...lol...damn it...I can probably only choose one to do if we do any of them. Hmm...

Well, I have to leave for a short meeting with my professor and then ADW and I are taking my broski to dinner for his 24th birthday. Text me, call me, love me.

Love Always,

Melissa

Shine a light in the Dark

Oh man is today gloomy out! 

I'm rebuilding my emotional wall and filling in the cracks as best I can. The blogging has really helped even if they've been depressing as of late. I haven't let my guard down like that in a while. 

You all know I'm strong and so for me to break down that way, you know that whatever it was, it was important and meant something to me. 

I think one of my strengths and downfalls (at times) is that I have so much love and kindness to give and yet even if I don't get it back in equal parts, I still give no matter what. 

For those of you who actually take the time to read these blogs, thank you. You're reading this because I actually mean something to you and you truly care. Think about that for a moment. The first time I met you and who I am to you. :-)

Love Always,

Melissa

To the stars, we will return

Today is going to be a very busy day at work. Job security. :-)

Anyway, I have a final tonight and so I hope I do okay. I've never really been good at tests. 

I didn't do much yesterday after work. I chatted with a couple of my best friends on the phone and cooked dinner for the week.   

Then, I wrote a couple letters to some  friends and I forgot how much I love to write. Writing is my stress output and that's why I began blogging again. 

Everything I write here will not always be earth shattering, but it's me. Truly.

Love Always,

Melissa

A Drop in the Ocean

I have to laugh because if I don't laugh at the stupid stuff, I think I'll just burst. Work is trying my patience today and so I laugh because it's my coping mechanism.

I know I'm not doing things the way any of you would. I know there are situations in my life right now that some of you wonder why I bother. I know that the situations are a bit off kilter and odd, but every situation I put myself in is for me to learn or I wouldn't do it. 

Yes, I am putting myself in situations where heartache could be a huge factor and that's okay. It's okay to feel that way because if we, as humans, weren't supposed to feel that way, then we wouldn't. Every person I have met in the last 6 months have been interesting and I learned a little from each one. I still retain some of them as friends. 

My intuition is hardly wrong, so for now, this is how it must be. 

We are not without humility, nor without pain. 

Love Always, 

Melissa

Is it ever worth the risk?

An evening recap, as ordinary as it may be:

I finally got out of bed at 3pm today. That's what happens when you spend your Sunday's thinking too much. I decided to go do laundry at my mother's and get a little food at the same time. My youngest brother was making Bulgogi, but it ended up tasting more like teriyaki beef. No matter...

I decided to text my friend, AJH (yes, I'm still using initials and not people's names in blogs) and he asked if I wanted to get dinner. I hadn't seen him in probably 2 weeks and so we hung out a bit and chatted. I've been needing to chat with my good and close friends lately, so I was glad I got to talk to him.

After that, I went back to mom's to throw the laundry in the dryer and then watched the rest of Karate Kid 2 with my dad. Lol...that's what I do with my dad when I'm over. Watch his weird movies or just old movies like Karate Kid.

Now I'm home with the clean laundry that I'll put away before bed. It's been a long, fun, food filled, nerve-racking, emotional, fucked up 4 day weekend. It's time to go back to work. On that note, I think I'm going to start a letter to my good friend, ALS in California. He was here about a week ago and we went to dinner. He's the only person that will still correspond with me through letters in the mail. I bought some beautiful Japanese stationary when I visited him last March and so I guess I should put it to good use.

Love Always,

Melissa

P.S. All blog titles will have meaning for me, but it doesn't mean that I will tell you what the meaning is in the actual blog post. :-/

P.P.S. Mother, I never said you were old. I'm handling things the way I know best. I'm trying so hard to do so many things on my own now that sometimes I'm just overwhelmed by everything else as well. I don't know why, but I have to do it this way. I'm pretty hard headed and stubborn. I wonder where I get that? lol...