Me in a nutshell...

Careful steps I take

In this maze of a life

Never knowing

If it all ends tonight

All I can be 

Is what I give 

And what you see

Irrevocable certainty

As I stand here

I wonder

Is this really real?

Is this who I am?

I feel so undone

It tears me up inside

Look me in the eyes 

And tell me...

This isn't the end

You've got a long way

I'll hold your hand

And guide you through

Second Chance

So, I was chatting with an old friend earlier and he said this to me and it stuck. 

"Pick your fights how you can, whatever you can't control, embrace that shit."

Thanks, TS. I'll keep that in mind the next time I have a situation that I want to control, but can't. I can get pretty wound up when I can't control something. Not much else to say today, loves.

Love Always,

Melissa

Take it from me...

As I sit here eating yogurt raisins and dried fruit, I wonder why my life has led me to this point. Why I have taken so long to finally decide on a degree that might actually be worthwhile for me if I work hard enough? Of course, I currently have to work it around a full time work schedule and that's hard. I wish I could tell my younger self to get it together because it's going to be stressful and harder for you in 8 years. Well, too late for that. I can't take back what's done, so let's get a move on. 

I guess the decisions I've made up to now were to teach me about life. Regrets, decisions I thought were right at the time, but living with regrets is ridiculous, so I'm not. I don't regret anything I've done. 

Let's continue to make the decisions we think are right, but they will be my mistakes in the end and I will own them on my own. 

Love Always,

Melissa

Bring me to life

"For now it's really up in the air and the pieces haven't found their place yet." ~Melissa A. Voss

Tonight, We are young...

Alright, so I decided to watch my first Christmas movie today. Lol...it was a late nineties one with JTT, even had a N'SYNC Christmas song in the credits. I don't know if I watched it because it snowed today, but it was cheesy, cute, and ridiculous.

Although, I am not decorating for Christmas because no one is coming over anyway. I'm also not really buying presents. I don't really care about presents (although, they are nice), but I like being able to be with family and friends instead.

I had a close friend suggest something interesting to me last night. I can't write it here right now because this blog is not private and could be read by anyone. It would be something different, a little life altering and perhaps a little scary at first, but it could be something really good for me. It seems I need to get things in order and see if I can do this.

Other than that, I am trudging along as best I can.

Whether or not this decision will better my life is yet to be answered. 

Love Always,

Melissa

I love you, I hate you

So, yesterday was nice. I had a good evening hanging out with my best friend and brother for his birthday.

I got rudely woken up at 4am by someone calling me twice from a Georgia number. I had talked to this person a couple days ago and told them I didn't know them. The reason they keep getting text messages from my phone is because I have a friend who has been sending group texts and this other person I think is confused (I don't think they understand group texting). So, they keep trying to figure out why I'm texting them. I'm not, I'm texting everyone in the group text...come on people, learn about what technology you have. Lmfao! So, I didn't answer for fear I would curse an innocent person out. 

Also, I noticed this morning that I've been snuggling my pillows. Forever alone... :( heh...

It's supposed to snow this weekend. Oh boy! Brrrrr.....

I really really really wanna...

Hahaha...the title of this blog.

Anyway, I was just thinking that I really want to go to the City Museum in St. Louis with ADW and HKF before the new year and also stop by Gelateria Tavolini while we're there since it's around the corner. I also want to go to Chicago...lol...damn it...I can probably only choose one to do if we do any of them. Hmm...

Well, I have to leave for a short meeting with my professor and then ADW and I are taking my broski to dinner for his 24th birthday. Text me, call me, love me.

Love Always,

Melissa

Happy Born Day, bro!

Today is my middle brother, Joseph's 24th birthday. I still have a memory from the day you were born. I was in kindergarten and mom went into labor. I wanted to go to the hospital with them, but they sent me to school. I was so mad. Lol...I was never one of those kids who had new baby envy. I always had love to give to new siblings.

Poetry?

Shallow cuts,

Felt deep within my soul.

Emotions wind a river, 

Through my veins.

Careening deeper to a hidden source,

That even I know not the way.

~Melissa A. Voss

Shine a light in the Dark

Oh man is today gloomy out! 

I'm rebuilding my emotional wall and filling in the cracks as best I can. The blogging has really helped even if they've been depressing as of late. I haven't let my guard down like that in a while. 

You all know I'm strong and so for me to break down that way, you know that whatever it was, it was important and meant something to me. 

I think one of my strengths and downfalls (at times) is that I have so much love and kindness to give and yet even if I don't get it back in equal parts, I still give no matter what. 

For those of you who actually take the time to read these blogs, thank you. You're reading this because I actually mean something to you and you truly care. Think about that for a moment. The first time I met you and who I am to you. :-)

Love Always,

Melissa

Oh Hai

Yes, that blog title is spelled wrong on purpose. 

So, work was so busy, but everything got done, so let's do it again tomorrow. Weeeee! 

Anywho, I've realized that my emotions on Facebook and my last few blog posts have very depressing. I apologize for being a downer. 

Every now and then I do get like this, but some of you who have never seen this happen to me were worried. I'm good, the bounce back is coming and I promise I'll be alright. 

I try not to invest too much emotion into things/situations, but if you know me well, then you know I'm quite incapable of that. No matter how hard I try to hide my emotions, they are usually killing me on the inside. 

I'm a person with a lot of emotion, a lot of empathy, and a lot of love.

Sometimes I think I can handle a situation, but then realize that I truly can't. Usually meaning I should step away from it for a while. Let it be and see how that goes. 

It's always been hard for me to let things go. It usually bothers me that I have to let a situation die down before I can address it again. 

"First step is the one you believe in, second one might be profound." - "I'll Follow You ~Shinedown

Love Always,

Melissa

To the stars, we will return

Today is going to be a very busy day at work. Job security. :-)

Anyway, I have a final tonight and so I hope I do okay. I've never really been good at tests. 

I didn't do much yesterday after work. I chatted with a couple of my best friends on the phone and cooked dinner for the week.   

Then, I wrote a couple letters to some  friends and I forgot how much I love to write. Writing is my stress output and that's why I began blogging again. 

Everything I write here will not always be earth shattering, but it's me. Truly.

Love Always,

Melissa

A Drop in the Ocean

I have to laugh because if I don't laugh at the stupid stuff, I think I'll just burst. Work is trying my patience today and so I laugh because it's my coping mechanism.

I know I'm not doing things the way any of you would. I know there are situations in my life right now that some of you wonder why I bother. I know that the situations are a bit off kilter and odd, but every situation I put myself in is for me to learn or I wouldn't do it. 

Yes, I am putting myself in situations where heartache could be a huge factor and that's okay. It's okay to feel that way because if we, as humans, weren't supposed to feel that way, then we wouldn't. Every person I have met in the last 6 months have been interesting and I learned a little from each one. I still retain some of them as friends. 

My intuition is hardly wrong, so for now, this is how it must be. 

We are not without humility, nor without pain. 

Love Always, 

Melissa

Is it ever worth the risk?

An evening recap, as ordinary as it may be:

I finally got out of bed at 3pm today. That's what happens when you spend your Sunday's thinking too much. I decided to go do laundry at my mother's and get a little food at the same time. My youngest brother was making Bulgogi, but it ended up tasting more like teriyaki beef. No matter...

I decided to text my friend, AJH (yes, I'm still using initials and not people's names in blogs) and he asked if I wanted to get dinner. I hadn't seen him in probably 2 weeks and so we hung out a bit and chatted. I've been needing to chat with my good and close friends lately, so I was glad I got to talk to him.

After that, I went back to mom's to throw the laundry in the dryer and then watched the rest of Karate Kid 2 with my dad. Lol...that's what I do with my dad when I'm over. Watch his weird movies or just old movies like Karate Kid.

Now I'm home with the clean laundry that I'll put away before bed. It's been a long, fun, food filled, nerve-racking, emotional, fucked up 4 day weekend. It's time to go back to work. On that note, I think I'm going to start a letter to my good friend, ALS in California. He was here about a week ago and we went to dinner. He's the only person that will still correspond with me through letters in the mail. I bought some beautiful Japanese stationary when I visited him last March and so I guess I should put it to good use.

Love Always,

Melissa

P.S. All blog titles will have meaning for me, but it doesn't mean that I will tell you what the meaning is in the actual blog post. :-/

P.P.S. Mother, I never said you were old. I'm handling things the way I know best. I'm trying so hard to do so many things on my own now that sometimes I'm just overwhelmed by everything else as well. I don't know why, but I have to do it this way. I'm pretty hard headed and stubborn. I wonder where I get that? lol...

Hello out there

Well, I figure since I've started to feel so emotionally fucked up the last week or so that perhaps I should start my personal blog again. 

Yes, it's the holidays again. I'm single and trying to mingle, but it's not working...lol...I've been doing dating sites for almost a year now. Met some really interesting new friends. Having a somewhat complicated relationship with someone is frustrating, but I'm not ready to give up yet. Oh the woes of dating...let's see how many replies I get in the coming weeks since the holidays are fast approaching and people get lonely. I can see why some people just don't bother with dating, it's seems to be an emotional hassle sometimes. I need to though, I like human interaction, no matter how much of an introvert I try to be sometimes. Although, I am more of an extrovert in daily life. 

I spend my Sunday afternoons thinking entirely too much and I'd rather be cuddled by someone who understands what I'm feeling. I'm unable to describe the mixed emotions I have been displaying as of late. Truly, I am an asshole, a needy brat, someone who has so much love to give it hurts, and no one needs my kind of crazy right now. Everyone has their problems and their doubts and their own lives. I'm just trying not to get in your way. So, carry on my friends, carry on. 

Love Always,

Melissa